Freakin’ Bats (part 2)

Lets just say ALL THE BATS took off at once Sunday Night. It was a bad night. I went up like a Powder Keg. It was rather ugly.

Frustrations abound. My stress levels are off the charts. It seems especially bad after I have heard from my extended family. Unsolicited contact. Always stirring up the crap that settles to the bottom. It’s dark and thick, tastes like piss and vinegar…I have to spit it out.

I can’t stomach it anymore.

So I lash out. Channeling my aggression in the wrong direction. Taking it out on the wrong people.

I have to stop.

They have to stop.

There is no reason for you to continue giving a shit. It’s over. I haven’t cared in years…we’ve been playing games since I was a kid.

The lack of communication has been astounding, all the wasted years spent in church pews trying to live up to someone else’s standards instead of your own. The amount of denial you shrouded yourself in when I had Cancer…never saying the word “C A N C E R”… faith believing and pretending Renal Cell Carcinoma and Hodgkin’s Lymphoma were not present in my body or in my house on a daily basis…everyday since November 4th 2006!!!

Still to this day I am reminded, I WILL ALWAYS BE REMINDED I HAD CANCER BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT IT DOES TO YOU…it robs you of ever having a clear day that isn’t somehow tainted with the stench of chemo or the piercing sting of a needle accessing your port to send the drugs into your veins to kill you and save your life. I live with that everyday. “I may be cancer free, but I am not free of cancer”.

I live with the knowledge that growing up in a repressed christian household has left more scars than healed them. You always saw things in black and white terms never in shades of gray, there was never another side to consider in your house. And you never uttered a common swear word, but always passed judgement on fellow believers after a church board meeting. You hid the fact that you smoked cigarettes from your church family, this did not instill common ground with fellow human beings also trying to figure it out and making mistakes along the way. It instead became a lie that would cause more problems later on.

The lack of humanity and understanding I saw displayed toward fellow sinners (human beings just like you)…hurling insults behind the backs of family members with less moral fiber than you apparently had. The inability to relate to anyone on any level…including me.

You let the church (or Christianity for that matter) drive a wedge between you and everyone you knew. Family or friend. When it made sense to stand up and say something or protest- you didn’t.

I did.

And I was told to shut up. I was told I knew better. I was told I knew the scriptures well enough to make up my own mind (and I did) but the rest of you just followed the crowd like the lemmings you were. Never questioning or doubting anything being told to you. With each protest I was told I wouldn’t understand. So I stopped giving a shit…and so did you.

For all the mid-week services and bible studies you went to and all the glad handing bullshit you shared with those people every week for nearly 30 years, I ask you now…where the hell are they – any one of them? 

 You have made your bed and now you live in it.

I can’t take the bats anymore. I can’t take the melt downs and the stress and mind numbing confusion and lack of concentration. I can’t handle the depression anymore!!! I have my own problems and need my space.

You never treated me like an adult even after I became a father. I bought my own house and have been on my own since I was in my 20’s. And now that I have walked away you need to bother me. You suddenly want to talk…you want to figure out what makes me tick. You suddenly want to know what is going on behind my eyes…

You never explained Christmas Eve to me. Constantly telling me I wouldn’t understand. In case you haven’t noticed I am 40 fucking years old now…your mother has been dead for 21 years…I THINK I WOULD UNDERSTAND!

Try me. But then again…

I dont give a fuck anymore. You know why?

No, you don’t know why and you know what, I don’t think you would understand.

I need to move on. I need to move forward. I need to put one foot in front of the other and never look back. But you won’t let me. You obviously never saw this coming and you don’t understand how or why I see things the way I do…

I told you a few years ago that “the damage in me comes from the damage in you” (quoting Everclear) and it’s true. You seem to be okay with who you are and who you became. I saw what I didn’t want to become and stopped drinking the cool aid years ago,  maybe that’s why you don’t understand me…

You never got to know me. You have no idea who I am or who I became.

Too bad, so sad. You are a dollar short and a day late.

Now do me a favor…stop texting me, get out of my life and when you finally get to hell, keep the bats with you.

Published in: on November 25, 2009 at 12:24 am  Leave a Comment  

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