Lucky Bastard

After closer examination and actually checking the definition my problem isn’t exactly survivor guilt, it’s more about not fully understanding the randomness of life and why two  people can fight a similar enemy and only one of us defeats it.

Survivor Guilt is not the proper term.

I am not full of guilt because I am still here, but the emotional response to someone dying of cancer hits me very hard because of where I have been.

I understand the alternative and wrestled with that once diagnosed. The “what if’s” kept me up at night. I understand how this could have played out. I do not regret still being here. (that is why survivor guilt is the wrong term)

After an emotional night of talking with my wife about how some things recently affected me because my bout with cancer and the year I was being treated and the financial issues that followed, we came to the conclusion that as I approach my 3rd cancerversary I may need to seek some support NOW instead of then.

Apparently the post cancer stresses are worse than the during cancer stress.

I also don’t want to walk around feeling privileged that I am still here, it is very likely just a matter of timing and good fortune and that makes me (what my Dr’s called me) A Lucky Bastard. It’s as simple as that.

I need to work on this and accept that the healing process is going to be a lot of work. The psychological damage is extensive and the entire ordeal has left some big scars. Flashbacks are something I need to prepare for and try to avoid, just never know what is going to set me off or when.

This is, like everything else… a work in progress.

My wife and I saw ” The Gaslight Anthem” last night at the WellMont theater in Montclair. They put on a very energetic show and played a full solid hour covering their three albums to date and added in a Tom Petty cover and a 5 song encore. This was apparently their last show before heading back into the studio to record their next album.

A very cool, loud and late night. (thanks babe)

Be Well. (I’m certainly working on it) -Scott

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Published in: on December 12, 2009 at 10:36 am  Leave a Comment  
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