I dream of backyards and swing sets….

1. All good things must end.

2. Everything tastes like chicken.

3. Life sucks (then you die).

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Mistakes, I’ve made a few. Regrets, I have those too. I took a chance, I knew better, fell thru the cracks and screwed up. Hurts too much, lets dance!

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Hell truly hath no fury…

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There is no room to grow, we’ve gone as far as we can go. It’s all down hill from here.

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Maybe we tried too hard. Maybe we didn’t try hard enough.

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We loved each other for a lifetime, one night.

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Love is an adventure. It’s always twinged with just enough sadness even in the good times because we know the good times don’t last, but we take the risk anyway.

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It’s nothing personal, just life got in the way. I’ll miss you, I’ll think of you all the time. It’s nothing personal, that’s how life works. We all have to answer to someone else. Can’t look back, never look back.

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Just because your family…

It’s not going to work out between you and me in this life. See you “on the other side”, maybe we’ll get along again then.

Just because we are family doesn’t mean I have to like you.

In fact I don’t like you. I never have. Things have to better on the other side, otherwise we’re all fucked.

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I’m trying to make it all fit, the clutter gets too deep. I can’t see past it, less is more, more or less. Try as I might I can’t escape, I’m in too deep. You stole my heart when I wasn’t looking. Life moved on…

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I love the smallness of your feet. The way your hand fits in mine. The sparkle in your eye. The way I make you laugh…

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The ritual of coffee…?

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I have no idea what I am doing anymore. That’s all I’ve got. Maybe I need something symbolic to happen, something HUGE to redefine who I am. I need to acknowledge what has affected me as a human being. I need to get past the pain and hurt that being a part of this family amounts to. I need to start over again.

 I need a new beginning. Something to signal a re-birth.

Burn something down or blow something up.

I need to put the past behind me. Just can’t seem to do that.

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I need some decent karma. Not even “good” karma, I’ll take decent half good or gently used karma. I need to start somewhere.  Anything.

Maybe I need to let the person I wanted to be die off with my youth. Why am I holding on to this ghost of myself? I need to embrace who I am today. Where I am in my life. I can’t do much about the life I didn’t get to lead…

I have a lot of unresolved shit with my parents and my church up-bringing and the “christians” I shared 16 years of Sunday and Wednesday services with who are not in my life in any way shape or form…they weren’t in my life when I was in the middle of chemo and they represent the absolute worst in human nature. The Pentecostal church really screwed my life up. I’m not blaming Jesus. It’s the lemmings in the Assemblies of God churches who damaged me.

Doctrine be damned. Worst thing you can do to a 10-year-old mind is jam elitist bull shit church propaganda into it.

But I digress…

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This is me at mid-life. Hey Now! Guess I have to get used to it.  

10 years in this house and except for our son being born here NOTHING good has come of this place. Maybe this place was cursed. It’s time to move.

Came here with a 3 month old. 2 years later I was laid off, spent a year looking for work. Found low paying jobs and started working for bennies. My wife starts working from home and making some OK money. I get cancer. She loses her last client the month I start chemo. We spiral into major debt. Fall to welfare. Social services and the extreme kindness of strangers. 3 years later after bankruptcy and uncertain mortgage issues we are till being harassed by condo management association and it continues to get worse…

Life never lets up. This place has been a blight on our lives. We are not taking it anymore. Fuck you and your birthday! “DONNA” you know who you are!

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The 40-year-old me wishes I could have a short conversation with the 20-year-old me. The things I could pass on and warn myself about. What a difference a life makes. Never expected to not get a fair shot at the American dream. Maybe I did, but life kept blocking my shot.

All I want is a warm dry place for my kids to sleep and food in our bellies. A small back yard we can call our own would be nice. I never thought life would be this hard sometimes. I was a stupid kid who thought it would all work out. No bumps in the road, no detours, no bullshit, no cancer.

It took ONE disease. A major disease at that, but Renal Cell Carcinoma and Hodgkin’s Lymphoma fucked up my plans. My dreams. This was supposed to be our “STARTER” home. We moved here with one kid, about 4 years into our marriage just looking to take the next step. Put down some roots, have another kid (or two) we entertained the thought of 3 at one time. My wife wanted to be in one place for a minimum of TEN years. (her parents moved around A LOT when she was a kid) …so we settled in.

We ran into trouble right away and life kept piling on the shit.

Eventually cancer showed up and wrecked everything. We survived it and live in spite of it, everyday. But the damage has been done. We need to pick up the pieces and put life back together, but not without some cost.

My hopes and dreams of that house with the nice back yard and the swing set are just out of my reach.

I drive past people’s houses sometimes and admire the landscaping and the swing set I can see in the back yard and my heart literally aches. Not entirely for me but for my family. My children especially. I want that for them. I don’t want them to live in fear of illness stripping you of everything you have, want and dream about. I don’t want them to wonder if they can call the house we do have “home” tomorrow or not.

It’s a private pain I struggle with all the time. I feel like I am stealing other people’s good fortune when I envy the lives they have established with all the bells and whistles that come with it. I’m not talking about the oversized TVs and one too many cars in the driveway. I am a simple guy. I just want a place I can feel secure in. A place I can call ours.

I havent felt secure about anything (work, life, home or health) since December 2006.

I know that the people whose good fortune I envy is hard-won and worked for by them too. I’m not discounting their efforts for what they have. I just want a fair shot at it too.

Maybe I had a fair shot before cancer. But I damn well didn’t have a fair shot after cancer. Life keeps taking that away.

I can’t take it sometimes.

Sometimes I wish I was a rock. 

Life as rock has got to be pretty simple.

I’ll let you know, if I ever find out. In the meantime I will keep moving, that’s all I can do. If I stop moving life is gonna take me out. I know it.

We all have a number. I came close to having that number called in 2006…I was “Lucky” that is not lost on me either.

But I’m still here, currently rebuilding. One of these days I will get to scream FUCK YOU back at life and it won’t strike back.

…I try and whisper that everyday. I whisper so Life thinks it heard something but can’t be sure.

*fuck you life.  hey life, fuck you…you’re mother’s a whore did I ever tell you that?*

Be well.

-Scotty

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