Quit yer Bitchin’

In the last couple of weeks (and posts) I have been bellyaching about my lot in life post cancer, post youth/church up bringing and family crap. It’s high time I just quit my bitching and man up about how life just never works out the way we would like it.

Dawn has been reminding me how I never let anything go…and how much I need to. One thing I am good at, apparently is holding a grudge.

Nothing has worked out as I imagined, before cancer entered our lives in 2006 we had “plans” we saw this house as our starter house as it were and would eventually sell it and move on to something bigger with a yard and maybe a swing set or pool etc.

That all changed when my diagnosis was confirmed and life took a turn no one expected. I started treatment and Dawn lost her job at the same time. Income virtually stopped and life got harder than it ever was before. Thankfully state aid was available and some assistance from friends and strangers got us thru the hard times.

It’s been 3 years since my last treatment and we are still “working out” the details for the parts of our future we can influence, if not completely control. (and we know we can’t control any of it)…

I have reached the end of my rope about complaining about how we got here and how and why my dreams and plans for Dawn and I and the kids have all been erased, replaced by guaranteed uncertainty.

All we ever have is uncertainty in this life to begin with, but life lets you forget how quickly it can all be taken away.

We came all too close.

So this is me “Quittin’ my bitchin'” and accepting our lives as they are because bottom line is…I can’t do a freakin’ thing about it. I can’t go back 3.5 years and avoid cancer, I can’t go back ten years and not buy this house.

It just is.

I read once “Life can only be understood backwards but must be lived forward” I suppose that’s why so many people write their memoirs, to pass on what they have learned so maybe, just maybe someone might not make the same mistakes.

Our lives were interrupted 3 years ago, almost heard the needle scratched off the LP as abruptly as it happened. I haven’t gotten past it happening. I have found myself in the years since often angry about other people’s better fortunes and that hinders my ability to move past this road block in our lives.  I shouldn’t be begrudging other people their situations and certainly I don’t know how hard-fought some things are for anyone else. All I see is the surface and the material and find myself reacting to it.

I am stopping that right here. Right NOW!

We’ve been looking for a clean break. But clean breaks just aren’t  coming our way…we have to make that break and have been working on it.  This house has always just been a house to us, a lot of shit happened here that never quite made it a home. All we need are four walls and a roof, food on the table and warm beds to sleep in.

This family will make any place a “HOME”…so it doesn’t matter what or where life gives or takes from us at this point. Human nature makes everything  hard to accept when I’m lamenting how my “dreams and plans” were interrupted.

I need to refocus and consider perspective on a daily basis. The cancer is gone but it’s finger prints are everywhere. That is simply a matter of fact, the rest is details. And I keep getting lost in the details and that has been my problem up to now.

I wish that life had a Re-set button. It doesn’t and I’m not fighting this internal war anymore.

In other words: “Happy X-mas, War is over”

*********************

“I call myself a peaceful warrior because the battles we fight are on the inside”  -Peaceful Warrior

Be well, Scotty

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Published in: on July 10, 2010 at 11:47 am  Comments (1)  

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One CommentLeave a comment

  1. Good choice, Scott. I can really understand your frustrations, but all we can do is move forward and be grateful for the blessings we do have. You have your wife and kids. That is so much! Everything else will work itself out. Keep the faith!

    🙂


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