NUMB

“I turned to look but it was gone. I cannot put my finger on it now. The child has grown. The dream is gone. I…have become comfortably numb” -Pink Floyd.

I have been “numb” for about a week now.

Emotional Numbing symptoms are defined as:

A loss of interest in important, once positive, activities./Feeling distant from others. /Experiencing difficulties having positive feelings, such as happiness or love.

The catalyst for this was the mishandling of a few choice words that set off a string of events that have rendered me emotionless. I feel dead inside to everything it seems. 

I feel nothing.

So, I have decided to evaluate what is important to me and prioritize accordingly. I need to discard what is no longer moving me forward and simplify the rest of my life from there.

This re-evaluation could take a while. What I will do once I have sorted out what to keep and what to do without is beyond me.

Maybe its just time to sort things through. I am fast approaching 41 and this last year for me has been quite a ride. This might just be a natural progression of reassessment and reassignment of people, places and things in my everyday operating life. It might have something to do with tidying up after my mother’s death and adjusting to life with my dad as a widower. It probably has something to do with this past weeks events. It may be an involuntary need to shakedown stressors and find relief from some physical and emotional pain I have had recently.

It may also have a lot to do with a job change taking shape of the coming weeks and the decisions I made to take this job. There are certain intangibles that other people might question and doubt or not fully understand because they are not me. They are not living in my skin.

I just need to look at life my clearly and adjust settings to proper levels and right my ship as it were, I need to focus on my true north. (as if I knew what that was or is supposed to be…as if any of us know what that was, or is supposed to be)

Where people, places and things rate in my life after today will not be evident to anyone. Only I will know. I keep a list.

It’s tucked into the farthest corner of my heart.

Where no one has ever been!

This list is being rewritten as well.

Maybe it’s just part of growing up. I am taking stock. I am moving the pieces on the game board that is my life and preparing for my next move.

In the long run, I just hope it’s a good move.

Only time will tell.

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Published in: on September 9, 2010 at 11:04 pm  Leave a Comment  

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