Regrets only…

We are coming into the season in which I was diagnosed with Cancer. The crispness in the air is a reminder that my birthday is just two weeks away. I will mark 42 this year and approxamately fifty-five days later my family and I will quietly mark my Fifth year cancer free.

Dec 19th 2006.

In the 5 years since that date I have had plenty of opportunity to live and review my life. Reflection on what has occured is always bitter sweet. The benchmark being my diagnosis and life post treatment.

I have tried to make a better go of it, to leave things better than I found them. I have tried to enjoy life.

My “second chance mission” was and still is to “live life better.”

But along the way mistakes are made, the road of life post cancer is just as littered with road blocks, pot holes and detours as life before cancer was.

One would think it would be easier to navigate, but it isn’t.

Life takes a lifetime to figure out. Decisions most times are still half baked guesses. The world and the people in it continue to move forward even as your world is falling apart.

It seems I spend more time examining my life this time of year than I do all year. It is just dumb luck my diagnosis fell in and around the holidays when a lot of people take stock of their lives.

I hate that I am not any closer to perfect. I hate that while given a second chance to do and be better I know I have dropped the ball.

I have considered my humanity and imperfect nature. I am as designed, failing God as I fail my fellow man.

This year seems especially important to make better on my second chance…you don’t get many second chances, we all know this. But this year, as most cancer survivors tend to count is a Milestone. A year I calculated back in January 2007 as my chemo treatments began.

I figured out on paper and looked at “2011,age 42” as a mark I had to hit. Especially knowing what the odds were if the Kidney cancer had spread.

Best to my knowledge, the 5 year survival rate was slim.

My Doctor’s labeled me a “Lucky Bastard” and indeed I am. Human frailty intact. Mistakes yet to be made not excusing mistakes since cancer left my body.

Life is a crap shoot. We only go around once. We collect the scars we earn in the battles we choose to wage. In between trying to be better people destined to lose focus and have momentary lapses in reason.

I have blamed the chemo for dumb things I’ve said and done. It’s an easy scapegoat…but sometimes a mistake is a mistake. And we need to learn from them and grow.

I have my regrets. In 42 years I’ve earned a few. I need to regard them as sign posts of what not to do and where to never tread again.

Maybe you can relate.

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Published in: on October 2, 2011 at 3:58 pm  Leave a Comment  
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