Just a blog post…

Dinner is over. Kids went back up stairs. My wife is at her second job, so she didn’t eat with me and the kids…again.

Since she doesnt like red wine, I’m two glasses into a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon sitting here listening to the radio in the other room and the noises outside.

Unemployment was closed on monday. So I have to call tomorrow. Bills will have to wait, like they always do. I have to reschedule my already overdue visit to my Oncologist. Financing that visit like all doctor visits right now…fucking NJ FAMILY CARES dismissed our application. And they haven’t returned any calls.

I have to find the funds to pay for the Cub Scout camporee this weekend as well. Here I am, the Wolf den leader and I am short the bucks for my own kid to have fun this weekend with the rest of his pack.

Sometimes I forget these facts. But just when I think I can relax, the bitch that Fate is punches me in the stomach and turns me inside out again.

And not to mention the automotive problems with my car and insurance policies that can’t be paid. Surprisingly one bright spot is the lights are still on and cell phones are ok (for now).

But life has been anything but easy. Before cancer, after cancer. Regardless of cancer. We are down and out in NJ and I don’t see any end in sight.

The jerkoffs running for the GOP nomination are stomach churning beggars and theives. Like the local low rent county politicians we saluted standing on the grand stand, next to the flag as we marched in the local Fire departments 100th anniversary parade. Our Scout pack is the oldest in the county so we were invited to march.

And we did. Tigers, Wolves, Bears and Webelos. Flags high. Banners held with pride. Crisp uniforms and “present arms” salute.

But they’re scumbags. Where the hell is this post going? I’m not democrat or republican I used to be a registered Republican…but I’m politically agnostic. A swing voting independent. But that doesn’t matter either.

Maybe its the wine blurring my senses.

I have no ambition to cartoon or write. I am doodling. Filling notebooks with nonsense and bullshit. But just like the rest of my life…getting no where.

I’m feeling my age. If I’m not feeling older. I’m getting crankier. More gray. More impatient. More hair trigger angry.

More…less focused. Like with this post. Even this blog I think served a purpose at one time. Now its just taking up cyberspace.

I’m taking up space. Pushing a broom and swinging a mop at the local “StuffMart”…collecting my hard earned unemployment check. For a few more weeks at least. Don’t know what is on the horizon.

Making choices like rent over health care. Have had to call primary dr to extend BP and Cholesterol meds without much needed bloodwork, because I can’t afford the procedure.

I lent a stranger 25 cents in Shop rite one day as he was short. He was buying two gallons of milk had exactly “X” dollars. He gave me his 30 second down on his luck story as the cashier waited…I gave him a quarter and told him I understood completely.

And I do understand. Every word that passed his lips have passed mine. We are brothers in this conflict of no decent work, bankruptcy, foreclosure and trying to put food in your kids bellies and coats on their backs.

“I understand” I said. “Believe me, I understand”.

I don’t recall if he thanked me. It doesn’t matter. He looked like he was still embarrassed by his new status in life and the story was still hard to tell.

It gets easier.

Easier to accept, at least. But he and his family like me and mine are NOT alone.

We (Cub scout pack) are having a silent food drive soon. We will be doing exactly what my daughtet’s Girl scout troop did. And deliver the food to the local food pantry.

This is what the scouts do. We help the community. I am the community. Our neighbors are our community. No one should wonder where their next meal is coming from. No one should be without…

In the midst of my own pity party I am reminded of what we truly have. Writing this runaway rant of a post…I remind myself that it could be worse.

Just wish my wife could have been home to eat dinner with us.

Ok. That’s enough wine.


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