Not an Excuse.

I am not looking to discount my erratic behavior of late (see recent posts), however there is some truth to the fact having lost a kidney to cancer I am only working with one kidney as well as one adrenal gland.

Chemically I am “off” because I may be suffering from Adrenal Fatigue. ( I believe I have written about it here in previous posts) and in that case the amount of cortisol I am producing is not the same as most people.

My fight or flight response is off kilter. So when I totally went off the wall a few days ago and unloaded on my son…I have to believe my cortisol levels were either too low or too high.

Given my behavior, I’d say I’m running a little too high. My one kidney is over compensating in response to stress.

They don’t tell you about this stuff when they remove a kidney. There is no pamphlet to read before or after surgery.

So stress isn’t being managed correctly biologically and it certainly isn’t being managed correctly by me either.

I need better coping mechanisms. More sex? More hobbies? Personal holidays? Time by myself?

Dawn and I discussed this last night, more about my frustrations about goals, dreams, ambitions I had…or are holding onto as an artist since my original dream/plan to be a syndicated cartoonist by the time I turned 30. (I set this goal in 8th grade and my ego I suppose has been constantly reminding me of what I haven’t accomplished, YET)

Creatively I continue to get in my own way and end up where I am right now, completely blocked.

I go thru cycles. I hit the wall everytime I start over the first drop on my personal rollercoaster…just when its getting to be FUN to make art…

BAM!

Everytime. Add this to any daily stress, kids, homework, scouts, work, bills, marriage, car troubles, money…

The wall gets bigger and thicker. It becomes insurmountable.

I am my own worst enemy.

So…after our talk last night it was decided the best thing I could do for me and the rest of my family was to stay in my “studio” and get whatever is lurking in my head out onto paper and start making art again…pick up the cartoons I was drawing for the kids again, get back to watercolors and my abstract art again.  And for added measure I will completely surround myself with Jazz when I work.

I love Cheap Trick (see last post) but Jazz soothes my soul.

Always has. Always will. Jazz don’t stink. Jazz IS…

So, life goes on. Watch for posts about work being produced even crap will get posted, I need to get it out there.

It needs to live outside of my skull.

And I will continue to blog. Maybe I will discover stress management/anger management techniques that work and will actually have something to write about that matters.

More on this soon.

Be well.

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